But It’s Delicious by Joachim Heijndermans

August 12th, year 12 of the new calendar.

Subject: NOTICE: Contents of Product – Production Halt

To: Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods. 

From: Mr. Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield, Minister of Health and Family Welfare.

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To whom this may concern:

In the years since the transfer of power, my office has tried not to interfere with the business of food production and products designed for human consumption. We acknowledge that humanity has proven to be perfectly able to survive with the available foods and the additives placed herein. 

However, it has come to my attention that certain additives (the complete list attached to this message), are not only highly toxic in content but also extremely addictive when consumed. Our scientific research team on your planet’s moon discovered these particles and notified us of their effects and how these came to be present in such food products as ‘donuts’, ‘cheese-doodles’ and ‘lettuce’. 

Our chief scientist Om Sobbra had this to say on the matter: “There’s only one explanation as to why this [CENSORED] got in there; some fool whacked it with a science stick until it stopped listening to the laws of nature. This [CENSORED] won’t rot, grow mold or get stale if we left it out in the open. It’s a [CENSORED] miracle their stomach acids can even digest it. It’s been processed to the point that there’s not a [CENSORED] ounce of nutritional value, but we could let that slide if the stuff they added in lieu of a vitamin wasn’t pure poison. Shut it down now, or they’ll be lucky to even produce a next generation that doesn’t sweat HFCS from their pores!”

We have proceeded to investigate several corporations who manufacture said additives and laboratories who have signed off on these products as safe for consumption and have enabled our right to place them under Article 44378-M12. Production of these consumer products have been halted and the products on the list will no longer be produced or utilized in the production of food and drink.

You have been notified.

Thank you for your time and cooperation.

– Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield

#

August 12th, year 12 of the new calendar.

Subject: NONE

To: Mr. Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield, Minister of Health and Family Welfare.

From: Dereck McMahon IV, Esq – CEO Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods. 

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Mister Xi,

You alien son of a [CENSORED]. You [CENSORED]. How dare you [CENSORED]. You [CENSORED].

[CENSORED] in [CENSORED]. Go [CENSORED] yourself.

-Dereck McMahon IV, Esq.

#

August 13th, year 12 of the new calendar.

Subject: Apologies

To: Mr. Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield, Minister of Health and Family Welfare.

From: Dereck McMahon IV, Esq – CEO Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods.

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Dearest Mr. Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield.

I would hereby like to offer my sincerest apologies for my earlier outburst. Please understand that the combination of the initial shock, the early figures for the estimated revenue loss and the consumption of a large amount of alcohol were factors in my reply.

I would like to offer my cooperation to any changes the Office of Health and Family Welfare wishes to impose. Please contact me via stream at your earliest convenience.

With regards,

-Dereck McMahon IV, Esq.

#

August 25th, year 12 of the new calendar.

Subject: Civil Unrest.

To: Dereck McMahon IV, Esq – CEO Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods. 

From: Mr. Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield, Minister of Health and Family Welfare.

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Dear Mr. McMahon,

I would like to thank you once again for your co-operation regarding the applied changes to your products. However, since our implemented changes, there has been an alarming rise of unrest among the people of your planet. Protests, both violent and non-violent around the capital hubs of the nations have ensued. These protests are geared toward Article 44378-M12 being invoked.

Our emissaries have tried to convince the populace of the harm that can come from consuming products that have been altered with the particles on the so-called ‘poison-list’, to which the general response has been (and I quote): “But they’re delicious!”. Perhaps you are familiar with the chant and its use in social media, infra-streams, and something called ‘network television’?

I would like to meet face to face once more at your earliest convenience to discuss the matter and come to a new solution that would both preserve the health of your populace and please those who demand the return of these products.

With regards,

– Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield

#

September 22nd, year 12 of the new calendar.

Subject: Taste the Future of Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods.

To: ALL

From: Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods.

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The new bold flavor! The classic looks and texture! None of the harmful additives! We bring you the new and improved line of Knoxmann and Knoxmann foods.

Gone are the additives of the past. We’ve done away with artificial dyes, high-fructose corn syrup, starches, sodium phosphates, dextrose and other components. We strive for a natural flavor that your family and loved ones deserve. So live healthy. Live happy. Live long. Live with Knoxmann and Knoxmann’s new line of foods: Heat’n’soul®.

Available at your local supermarket and wherever Knoxmann and Knoxmann products are sold. Prices may vary. 

#

December 5th, year 12 of the new calendar.

Subject: Black Market.

To: Dereck McMahon IV, Esq – CEO Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods. 

From: Mr. Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield, Minister of Health and Family Welfare.

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Dear Mr. McMahon.

The campaign was not successful. In fact, we have uncovered evidence that in response to the introduction of the Heat’n’soul® line, the black market in food products that predate our mandate of Article 44378-M12 has exploded. Several raids by our enforcement teams in coalition with your own law-enforcement units have brought an illegal distribution ring to light. Among the toxic items sold at outrageous prices were ‘cola’, ‘microwave burritos’, ‘potato chips’ and ‘hot-dogs’. All these items have been destroyed, yet we are no closer to nipping this industry in the bud.

I would like to discuss the possibility to perhaps increase the number of ad-campaigns your company provides. I feel that we could spread more awareness about the toxic contents of these items to the populace and curb their desire for these products once and for all.

Perhaps we can also discuss altering the contents of your current line of food in regards to taste. The most commonly quoted factor for the resistance against surrendering their altered food has been “But it’s delicious”, even when faced with the evidence of the harm it does to the human body.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response.

With regards,

– Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield

#

December 13th, year 12 of the new calendar.

Subject: Escalation.

To: Dereck McMahon IV, Esq – CEO Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods. 

From: Mr. Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield, Minister of Health and Family Welfare.

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Dear Mr. McMahon,

No doubt you are aware of the attack on our offices and the attempt at my life. I received the flowers, for which I thank you.

I can still see his face. I tried to talk him out of it, his thumb on the trigger. He just stood there, unafraid. He demanded we rescind Article 44378-M12. I tried to reason with him, to no avail. His last words to me, right before he detonated his vest, still resonate with me. “They’re delicious”. 

I am at the end of my rope. Why won’t they listen? What am I doing wrong? Why are they so eager to consume toxins I wouldn’t feed to my Xaxrr-lee cat?

Can we meet again soon?

With regards,

– Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield

#

December 17th, year 12 of the new calendar.

Subject: [CENSORED] it.

To: Dereck McMahon IV, Esq – CEO Knoxmann & Knoxmann foods. 

From: Mr. Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield, Minister of Health and Family Welfare.

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Dear Mr. McMahon

I wanted to thank you for your cooperation these last few months, as well as the tickets to ‘Joseph and the Technicolor Lasersword’. My husband was thrilled.

But I write this message with a heavy heart. After many delegations and attempts to appease the public, we have decided to pull back on Article 44378-M12. Your company is now free to produce foods in any manner you like. While I implore you to refrain from using these additives (or at least beg you to limit your dependence on these), I have a feeling you will not. I weep for your species, but you are free to do as you like. I am just sorry that what you like is ‘french fries’ covered in ‘gravy’ and ‘cheese-whiz’ with a’large super-gulp’. 

Incidentally, I have tried one of your ‘chicken nuggets’. My skin broke out into hives and I was struck with dysentery. When I complained to the manager, a customer told me not to ‘bitch’, since what I ate “was delicious”. I think I will continue to have my dinners flown in from Duria, the expense be damned.

With regards,

– Xi Xai Xnixixxi-Sheffield

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Joachim Heijndermans writes, draws, and paints nearly every waking hour. Originally from the Netherlands, he’s been all over the world, boring people by spouting random trivia. His work has been featured in a number of publications, such as Metaphorosis, Hinnom Magazine, Every Day Fiction, Asymmetry Fiction, Kraxon Magazine, Gathering Storm Magazine and Ahoy Comics. He’s currently in the midst of completing his first children’s book. You can check out his other work at www.joachimheijndermans.com, or follow him on Twitter: @jheijndermans